Episode 11. The Final Episode. A look back (and what's to come)

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Angela: INTRO: When I was coming out, Betty DeGeneres was a prominent ally for our community. This podcast is about celebrating the Betty's in our lives. The people who made a difference in our coming out stories simply by showing up and standing in unconditional love. But unconditional love doesn't mean you still don't have questions or concerns or fears.

It just means we have to help each other through that conversation. This is the gay podcast for everyone.

Welcome to They Can't All be Betty. I'm your host, Angela Briones. This is the podcast where we flip the lens on the coming out story, invite our families into the conversation and open the closet one story at a time. And this is also the final episode. Now that being said, I want to thank you for listening.

This has been a passion project for me, and it has been a story that I've wanted to talk about for a very long... Why am I crying? 

Lori: Because it's been a passion project for you. And because you're talking about things that you have wanted to talk about [00:01:00] for a very long time, and that takes a lot of vulnerability

Angela: I'm going to have a lot to edit.

Lori: I think you should keep it. 

Angela: I hope the conversations that we have shared here have been valuable for you as a listener. I know they've been valuable to me and for all the guests who are on this podcast, I want to thank you because many of you are friends or friends of friends, and it was very brave that you joined me here on this podcast and very brave that you shared your story.

Which leads me to my co-host today, not my, not my guest, but my co-host for today is my sister, Lori, who was on the very first episode. She was the very first guest. So hi Lori. You're on speaker!

Right. And just FYI to anybody listening. We -Lori and I - and all of our family, really, we start every phone call conversation with those words: you're on speaker. I'm not even sure where it started. I think it started with Ivan, Lori's husband.,[00:02:00] 

Lori: That's how 

I remember it, but maybe that's just because it was the context where I was like, oh yeah, I really do need to give a disclaimer.

Angela: Yeah, because you have somebody in your household, mom has somebody in her household. I mean, obviously dad. So when you're on the speaker, like sometimes, you know, you might not want everybody in the room to hear your private conversations. 

Lori: I think it 

also started with like, I also remember, you know, you're at mom and dad's, and you're like, you're on speaker I'm with mom and dad, 

Angela: right?

Yeah. So like careful what you say, censor it a little bit or whatever. So that's how we start every conversation. And, we'll talk a little bit more about that later too, because Lori and I have an announcement, I guess, or a surprise. I don't know what it is. It's a gift for the world. 

Lori: You're welcome whether you want it or not.

You can't return it

Angela: Exactly. . You can delete it. I guess or never listen. It will [00:03:00] always be. The thing is I wanted Lori to be here with me because after every podcast that came out, she and I would have like these really long, deep conversations either about the podcast, about podcasting, the topics that we talked about or.

It would like be tangental into something else. And then we'd be like, why are we not recording this? Why are we not saying this like in a podcast? And then you, you would kind of walk me through and talk me through all the problems that I had while I was podcasting. And the thing is because you were my first guest, like that was a big thing, Lori, like that was huge.

Cause I didn't know what I was I literally had zero plan. I don't even think I had notes. I would just like, I was just like, meet me here at this time. That was a brave thing. So I want to thank you. Thank you for doing that with me. 

Lori: Thank you for inviting me because you [00:04:00] could have chosen anyone.

And I mean, granted yeah. You know, obviously it biologically you're obligated to somehow be in my life, but you do have a choice. And I thank you for, you know, choosing to let me be on your first podcast. Cause I know that this was very important to you. So that meant a lot to me that you asked me, 

Angela: but you know, what's weird is like yesterday I was going from my walk and I was like, I'm going to listen to that first podcast.

And just to kind of remember what we talked about. And it's so funny because I was like, oh, do I really want to listen to this? This was my first one. It's not going to be as polished as, you know, the most recent one or whatever. Like, they're hard to listen to in that respect, you know what I mean? Like not the content, but the -  I guess the lack of production value.

And I didn't feel that way. I was happily surprised. And like the good thing about that was that it just reinforces this thing of like, I'm glad I shared it because I could have [00:05:00] easily not shared it

Lori: And she almost didn't many times for those of you listening.

Angela: So many times. That's the thing is like, this is very bittersweet for me because - remember when, when we were at Magnolia and we, um, we talked about this on the first episode we were at Magnolia. We had those little table topics. Like they put them on the table and the so cute...I  love Magnolia. 

Lori: Back when you were comfortable sitting next to people, you don't know.

Angela: Exactly. 

But the question was like, what are three things? What is it? It's on our Instagram. I should look for it. Hang on. I found it. I found it. It says list three things you really want to accomplish before your next birthday and what you're going to do to make them happen. 

Lori: I don't even remember what we said

Angela: Well, what's funny is all I remember is the podcast. I mean, clearly we had three things and all I remember  was the podcast. I [00:06:00] don't remember my other two. We should have written them down.

Lori: I mean, I have like all my lists of things I want to do and ...

I don't accomplish half of them cause they write down too much, but I don't remember what I said. 

Angela: I just remember the podcast was one of them because I wanted to talk about this for like a very long time. And honestly, the fact that this podcast is wrapping up, it kind of just makes me pause.

Before the next chapter. I do think there's more of a story. It may not be called They Can't All be Betty, but I don't think I'm done talking about this. I think it needs to take a pivot. I'm not sure what that pivot means though. I'm so grateful and thankful to the family and the parents who are allies and who are supportive, but I'm like, I don't feel like this conversation...

Like I'm so angry that we're having. I want to be so far past it. 

Lori: [00:07:00] Yeah. It's so interesting cuz I wouldn't have known that was your take until you really you literally said it, I think on your last podcast, um, where you said it out loud and when, because that, wasn't my takeaway as a straight listener, who's also your sister and knows the context of everything.

Um, that wasn't my takeaway. And I think that speaks a lot to the fact that this is a journey, right? Like as you're sharing and talking, you're kind of unpacking your own backpack and, you know, finding out what's really at the bottom. And sometimes it's, you know, I think as a teacher, uh, what's at the bottom is sometimes that sandwich from last semester and it smells and it's stinky and it needs to be thrown away.

We got to do something about it. Right? But yeah, that's, interesting. I knew that only because you, you literally said it on the last episode, which was, was great to hear it needed to be said it needed to be heard. 

Angela: Yeah. And it's funny [00:08:00] because I recorded two solo podcasts that I never published that were about

that subject about what I was feeling, you know, this goes back to the whole Brené Brown FFT. I know we've talked about this and I don't know if you've had a chance to listen to that podcast, but Brené Brown's podcast. It's the Unlocking Us podcast. And the very first episode is called FFT. And it's fucking first time, the fucking first time you do something, it's scary.

You don't have your balance, you don't have your footing. You're just trying to get through it. And you, you know, you want to do it and you're excited to do it, but you don't know what you're doing and you don't know what you're in for. So I didn't anticipate any of that. I didn't anticipate any of the emotional stuff. I learned so much more than I, than I was ready for.

Like truly I learned so much more than I was ready for.

Lori: That's cool, though. I mean, that's, I think that's the, the blessing and the curse of communication, you know, not just with ourselves but also with [00:09:00] others, because you sometimes are taken down this road that you probably don't think you're going to go down, or you start talking about things you don't think you're going to, and it kind of forces you to, to really think about it.

And, I keep going to unpacking cause it's kind of, you know, you are, you're unpacking it. 

Angela: No. Yeah, you really are. And I think for me, like, I didn't even realize how much unpacking I had to do. I thought I was just going to have these conversations with people who were supportive and have it... I was like, this will be a space where hopefully it inspires somebody who is like my son or my daughter or my child is LGBTQ

I want to support them, I want to be there. I want to do the right thing. I don't know what to say. Um, I've got family who aren't supportive, like somebody who was just kind of in that middle ground of like, what do I do? I need somebody to talk to type thing. And I was hoping they would listen to the episodes and, you know, gain some insights really.

And I do think that's what happened. I do. I really I'd like to, [00:10:00] I'd like to think that's what happened. And I think for me, I, I learned a lot, like not just about podcasting, but about myself. I mean, and I think I shared that in a lot of the episodes, but like I said, I think the story is a continuation, but don't know what that means yet though.

Well, you know, 

Lori: for me, um, and again, I always have my teacher lens on. For me, the way I saw it...and the value that I see that it brings is that it is a model for others on either end, right? Whether you're living on the LGBTQ side or you're living on the straight ally side, or you're living on just the straight side.

And you're just trying to figure out your voice in this space or what you want to say. For me, it served as a model for what that conversation could sound like because you had, you know, Guests that live in the gay space. You had guests who were parents. You [00:11:00] had, you know, me as your sibling. So you had those different voices and then obviously your voice at the table.

I think it serves as a model for what those healthy conversations could sound like. And so maybe for me, because I have that teacher lens, it didn't make me mad because when we really do unpack it, yeah. It pisses me off that we do have to have this conversation. Yeah, but I also ... and.. not "but." AND. And, and I also see it as a hopeful conversation because the conversation itself creates the space to keep talking and learning and growing.

And I think in that way, this podcast creates a sense of community for people who maybe don't have people in their lives that they can have this conversation with, or they are not ready yet to have this conversation because they don't have that skill to have the conversation without getting so mad that they can't keep it a productive conversation.

If that makes sense.

Angela: [00:12:00] Yeah, it totally does. And I think that, that's why, like, I would not be surprised if this is just pushing pause and it comes right back maybe in a year. I don't know. Maybe it's, like I said, maybe it's a blog. Maybe it's a documentary ... hold while I figure this out, because I think you're right.

I think it's one of those things where you're like, okay, Uh, well, aside from everything else, because I said, I'm going to do 12 months of this particular project. And that's when I was like, this is the perfect time. Or this is perfect timing because I was ending this podcast anyway. And I need to go figure some stuff out for a second.

You know, like I have to go figure this stuff out

Lori: I'm glad that it did and I'm glad that you didn't quit. Especially the times that you felt like you wanted to. Cause I can imagine how scary that is. Cause even going back and listening to the episode myself, like, you know, um, after you shared it with me before you actually posted it.

And I was [00:13:00] like, oh, like some of the things I said, I was like, I wonder if, if the intent behind what I said is going to be heard or misheard and, and that's the scary part, right? ...Of saying anything out loud. And I think what I've kind of realized is that I'm leaning more towards living and being my authentic self in this moment in time, because it's going to change because who I was on episode one has changed by listening to your, you know, your podcast and listening to other people's voices and listening to your concerns and your guests concerns and, and the things that are said that might be impactful that I never thought about before.

I'm living differently because of that, because I've learned and I, and I'm also, you know, very mindful of trying to speak exactly what I am intending to speak. And that's hard. That's really hard. 

Angela: Yeah. It is [00:14:00] hard. It's hard because it's scary to share how you feel. It's scary. And because like you said, you could be wrong.

You, you could completely be wrong and that's that's vulnerability. You know what I mean? 

Lori: Absolutely. And it goes back to, you know, just really being, I don't want to say mindful, but being aware of, you know, what you're saying and the space you're saying it, and then, um, a, it takes time. Like it takes time and energy to be that thoughtful in what you're going to say.

It's work, right? Like to be thoughtful in what you want to say. And to own it and to own if what you said was crap and it hurt people, you know? Cause that's the other part of it is, you know, being authentically yourself is not just in your space, it's in other people's spaces too, and it impacts others.

And so being able to have those conversations. I'm reading fierce conversations right now. [00:15:00] And, um, you know, that's one of the topics and it's just really speaking intently and also speaking intently also means that you're open to feedback, which takes even more vulnerability.

Angela: Being open to feedback is an interesting thing because I toggle between these two spaces. I'll be like, if this podcast isn't for whatever audience that's cool. No worries. You know, like just don't listen, no big deal. I have to keep a mindset of I'm going to create this anyway and create this for myself because it's important.

And if some - thankfully, I've never had bad feedback. I've I've had some really nice feedback and I appreciate it. Cause that kept me going really did. But when I'm just trying to create something, I have to not think about the feedback or the doubts or the whatever, because I'm doing my own doubting.

Right. I want to be open to feedback, but it's hard to, it's hard to hear, you know what I mean? And then you have to think [00:16:00] about, this is the important thing about feedback. This is really important. You have to decide who matters. As far as the feedback, like if it's a random person who isn't a part of your life, I don't think that feedback should weigh as heavily as, you know, somebody who you truly value in your life and who is a part of your world.

So there are these modifiers to all those things, right? What was the book you were saying you were reading? Fierce what?

Lori: Fierce Conversations. And so  I've had it -- and of course it's on my list of the millions and billions of books that I want to read. Um, so I started reading it it's by Susan Scott and it's "Fierce Conversations: achieving success at work and in life, one conversation at a time".

And it just really gives some great examples of different types of conversations and how to have them. And I'm finding that it really is forcing me [00:17:00] to stop and think about what I want to say. And it helps me to, to really say what I really mean in a different way. So that's been helpful for me. It's pretty, pretty interesting.

I'm not finished with it, but it's pretty good book.

Angela: well, I would think that it's the same way with podcasting. Like, you know, what type of audience you're aiming for. Right? Like, I knew I was going to have, like, I wanted it to be this space where allies and the LGBTQ community could find this space where we could just talk about the kind of hard -- I dare call them fierce conversations, I guess, you know?

Yeah. And then, I mean the inevitable growth that happens from it. And I think the only way to really learn is to learn from other people who've gone through it and who are successfully... they've successfully had gone through it and they know where you've been. They know your journey, you know, their story resonates with you.[00:18:00] 

Lori: So, you know, in listening to the first episode, there were some moments where I felt a little cringe where I was like, Ooh, I think that sounds differently than I wanted it to be said or, you know, questioning, who's going to hear that and what are they going to interpret that as? And I was thinking about why I felt that way too.

And when we were talking about and planning for this last episode, and you're like, we're going to talk for no more than an hour and it's going to be a 30 minute podcast and I remember thinking that's what I felt after listening to the first episode, I felt like there was so much more conversation that we had that obviously didn't make it because nobody wants to listen to us for that long.

But, but I felt like there just wasn't enough time to say everything you want to say. And think that is a great way to think about these big conversations that are never [00:19:00] going to be finished in one conversation. Right? Like we have all these little conversations, but it really is a lifelong conversation if we're really truly listening and growing and learning and being open to that growth process.

And that was what my take away from the first episode was, and looking back on, um, from then until now was that I had to remind myself that in this moment, when we have this last episode, I'm not going to be able to say everything that I want to say exactly the way I want to say it. And that's okay.

And that's very hard for me because I like to have, you know, I want to put a bow on it. Yeah. I want to put a bow on it, make it nice and pretty. And you know, that's just not always possible, but I guess that's life, right? Like you say, you be as authentic as you can in that moment and, and hope that it's received well.

Angela: Yeah. And that same thing happened for me, you know, [00:20:00] just as the person doing the podcast, especially while I was editing, you know, I would listen to everything over and over and over, I would think, oh really, I should have asked this. I should have said that because I wanted to continue the conversation. Kind of like what you said, like you're not truly done with it.

You just, you know, something else comes up. This happens all the time. Like when you get off the phone with somebody, and then I do that with you all the time, I call you. And I'm like, oh, I forgot. I forgot to, I forgot to say this. And then it's another hour long conversation because you're right. They're never-ending.

They're just evolving and changing and growing with what we're learning. But I think everybody does that. And we've had a lot of conversations about, um, what it means to put yourself out there. What it means to allow your inner voice to come out and to be vulnerable and to kind of put yourself on blast and Lori and I recently in a, in a conversation as we were talking about vulnerability, creativity, cutting through the noise and like doing [00:21:00] things in spite of how hard it is and how scary it is.

We talked about the fact that whenever you share your story, You're On Speaker. So I wanted to share with you guys that even though Betty is ending, this podcast is ending for the moment, at least. I don't know. I'm going to say that it's ending, but it could very well continue, but even so Lori and I are pivoting, we are doing our own podcast very soon called You're On Speaker.

Lori: I don't know if you want me to say that with you. I'm sorry. 

Angela: Do it. Yes, of course. I would say that today's episode is a little sneak peek of the kind of conversations we're going to have on You're On Speaker when we're talking about how we dive into things, put ourselves out there, whether it's a podcast, a business, or just posting something on social media.

I mean, we put ourselves out there, right? And even though Betty is ending, I really do think that You're On Speaker is kind of a continuation in a sense, like the spirit of Betty is going to go to You're On [00:22:00] Speaker in a sense, because I constantly have my gay lens. You have your ally lens and we have, I mean, we're sisters, but we're different people.

And we just simply have two different points of view. A lot of times, I mean, we have the same set of beliefs, same set of values, but we still have two different points of view. I think that'd be fun to kind of talk about those things and talk about how we own our voice when we share our story in different ways.

Lori: Yes. Agreed. 

Angela: And I hope it'll like, I hope it'll inspire people to take little baby steps to share their story. Because for me, this was a whole thing that really changed me for the better, I mean, really it had a big impact on me, but , I honestly probably would not have finished it.

Had it not been for you, who has to listen, you and Bridgette had to listen to so many moments where I was like, oh my gosh, this edit is horrid. I'm never going to finish this. This is awful. All the self [00:23:00] doubt that you do when you put yourself out there, when you're being vulnerable, if you're anything like me, All the doubt creeps in.

And so I thank you for that. And Bridgette, who has never listened to an episode of this podcast, 

But that's okay. That's okay. Because I was recently on, um, on my friend Jocelyn's podcast, Jocelyn Martin Breast Cancer is Boring. She did a podcast called Podcasters on Podcasting. We talked about the fact- there were like - I think there were four of us on that podcast. None of our other halves listened to our podcasts. So I felt better because I thought it was the only one. And I'm not, I think it's, I think it's the fact that the person who's with you all the time has to listen to every little thing that you're going to put out there that they're like, didn't I really listen to it essentially?

Lori: Just like work right with your spouse. You're like, right. Because I know all your coworkers and all their business and all the projects I've been working on . [00:24:00] 

Angela: Exactly. Exactly. Oh, and Betty listeners, you are the only people to know that we're doing this podcast. We're not going to say anything to anyone until January of 2022.

Our plan. Our plan is to launch in October, and I'm going to ask you to stay on the Betty Instagram page. It's the They Can't All be Betty podcast page. Stay on that Instagram page because there's a lot of question marks that I have right now of like, are we going to use this particular podcast space to launch You're On Speaker?

Are we going Betty continue to live on its own and do a completely different podcast.

We should make stickers.

So I'll keep thinking about it. It takes me forever to figure this out. So I'll post it on the Betty Instagram page. So just kind of hang in there with me. Everybody has hung in with me [00:25:00] so much that I'm like, so thankful. Just keep hanging in, please. And then, it will be an October, sometime in October.

We haven't really figured that out already. 

Lori: Yes. Wait, like here's the thing. I mean, Angela and I, we talk all the time and the joke is that we're like, we should have just recorded this. And it's funny because we're planning obviously trying to like make a plan for our conversations and that part is hard.

So I give you kudos Angela for sticking through with Betty, because you really do think through. The entire storyline, like the writer in you really does show in the way you plan for it. Cause you're thinking about the storyline and, I think that takes a lot of creativity. So kudos to you for that.

Angela: Thank you. Because I really feel like I wing it a lot of times. I really do. I'm like I have a soft outline and it's not like that's as good as it can get, mainly because I just like to be extemporaneous and I like the word [00:26:00] extemporaneous. So there's that, 

Lori: And "tangental."

Angela: But I do think like the same way that Betty was this place where the LGBTQ community and allies, it was like this commonplace to come together in conversation, even though You're On Speaker is going to be more about like putting yourself out there, what it means to break through the internal and the external noise.

I think that obviously. I'm gay Lori straight we're sisters, you know, it's inherently going to have community the same way Betty has already had that community. Those points of view. I think they're still going to come through in the next podcast. Do you agree? Yes. 

Lori: Yes. You have my endorsement. It was so well said.

I didn't feel a need to like punctuate it with anything. 

Angela: Was it? I think. Blah-blah-blah 

Lori: I think when you listen back to it, you'd be like [00:27:00] Punto Final!

Angela: Cause I was getting ready to say, you know, I was going to get ready to do more and say that we're going to talk about topics that resonate with all of us as we learn how to share our voice and share a story 

so our launch date is officially set for January of 2022

Lori: The best month of the year

Angela: Yes, it's Lori's birthday. So it's the best month of the whole year. 

Lori: Best month of the entire year

Angela: Let's just forget t about June Angela's birthday, but whatever, but we will start the soft launch in October. And like I said, you guys are the only ones who know about it.

We haven't even told our parents. Literally, we haven't 

Lori: We don't even know if we're gonna tell our parents

Angela: And you guys, honestly, the first episode of You're On Speaker , are we going to tell our parents about this podcast? We're going talk about that in the very first episode?

[00:28:00] And I hope you'll join us for that. Just hang in there with me and the BettyInstagram page so that I can tell you more when we figure out a little more of what's going on. When we dot some I's and cross some T's. You're the only ones who know about it. Thank you again, you guys for listening, you have no idea how much your encouragement really did.

Keep me going. We will just push pause on this particular conversation and we will pivot to the next podcast. Well, we've said all we needed to say, 

Lori: that's all I need to talk about today. 

Angela: Bye.[00:29:00]